You know when you’re lying there in your bed like you’ve been doing all day long because you don’t really feel like getting up at all but you don’t really feel like being there either and then you look over at the clock and you’ve already wasted half of the day lying there in your bed doing nothing and you text half of your phone book and no one responds and then you start to wonder why they’re not texting you back so you keep checking the texts to make sure that you sent them and you wonder well what if I’m really actually dead and that’s why no one’s responding to me and you get all worried because you’re already alone to begin with and you can’t stand the thought of being alone but in reality all you want to do is be alone and lie there in your bed and contemplate your entire life and you have no desire to do anything at all whatsoever except get rid of that horrible empty feeling inside of your heart and you get so pissed off at the smallest things and you finally get up and decide to take a shower you know just to fucking do something and while you’re in there you start overthinking everything and end up having a small panic attack and you feel detached and unreal and everything is fucked up and nothing makes sense and you start yelling for someone but the realization that no one else is there with you slaps you in the face and it’s enough to make you collapse right there on the floor of your shower and you cry and cry and cry but it has no meaning and it has no feeling and it has no heart in it and you can’t figure out why you just can’t fucking cry because your mom told you once that crying takes the sad out of you and this happens more than you’d like and more than you’d like to admit to the world and no matter how many times you say you’re okay with being alone you never really are and you get out of the shower and go back to your bed and lie there and maybe listen to some music and it’s always really sad music and you wonder why you’re torturing yourself even more but somehow it makes the hole inside of your heart go away and you stop thinking about that person you miss or about the person you wish was lying next to you or the fact that you’re home alone again this weekend and you fall asleep and dream of wonderful and lovely things and next thing you know waking up becomes nothing but a disappointment because the truth of the matter is living in your dreams triumphs living in your real life and you can’t understand why that isn’t a sad realization to you anymore
(Source: skin-n-bones)
