February 28th, 2011 - 2:42am

This is the first time I’ve been cold in days. I have three hours and twenty-six minutes before I have to be up and I don’t think I’m going to sleep tonight. I was okay before you and I will be okay after you. This weekend I fell in love, maybe not with a person, but with the idea of a person. If I close my eyes I can remember the way you breathed; my head bobbing up and down on your chest as you slept under me. I can smell you, on my skin and in my sheets and in the air when I’m feeling lonely. I can taste you inside my mouth and even after I brush my teeth. I used to be afraid to look out my window at night, but now I’m checking every five minutes in hopes that I’ll see you there. My eyes are closed and I know you will not be there but I will check in five minutes again just to make sure. Last night wasn’t right because I kept waking up to see if you were there but you never were. Every time I try to eat I have to stop because a feeling of sickness sweeps over me and into my stomach and I can’t decide if I’m nervous or if I’m scared. I think both. Maybe we both knew this wouldn’t work, maybe we were afraid because we knew it was too right. Maybe there’s no such thing as too right. You were real no matter how bad you think that you weren’t. I’ll still cry every time I listen to that song that reminds me of you but I’ve been broken before and I can do it again. The numbness in my heart left for awhile, but now it’s eager to fill the spot that you once did. You deserve more than you settle for, a lot more. I wish I could show you how fucking lovely you are.