March 18th, 2011 - 11:29pm

I think I was born broken, or maybe I was destined to become this way. And I don’t mean this in a way that makes you want to feel sad or sympathetic because I don’t want nor need nor feel as though I deserve those things either. You can’t help who you are, right? When I was young, I used to purposely do things that I knew would draw blood. I would scrape my knee on the cement somewhere and sit and watch the wound bleed. My favorite were the ones that just didn’t stop, that put up a fight, they reminded me of myself. I have scars that signify strength, never weakness. I’ve always been okay alone, and somewhere inside my heart I know I will always be okay whether or not I am always alone. I would rather be always okay than lost forever. You think you know me, but you know nothing about me. You know nothing about nothing because you never learn. You hide from pain and you suffer if it means you don’t feel anything you can’t handle. I hurt the people I love because I want them to learn, to feel, to grow. I miss you but I don’t need you, I never have. She always has and I don’t know whether that’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard or not. I am one step forward, she is ten steps back. You can’t stay stuck in the past because this is the present. We are the future and this is now. What happened happened, it is done with over finished it is no more. Constantly reflecting on the things that broke you won’t fix you. Sometimes you just need to leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on; sometimes pieces become lost or maybe they are a part of you that was meant to change and somewhere in your heart you know that she is amongst the pieces of the past - scattered out there somewhere on the long road winding behind you as you move forward. I am content with myself, I can live without you, I will be okay. You were just another bump in my road, and I made it past you without falling and scraping my knees and watching them bleed. You asked me once if I hated you, but I think you know the answer to that. I was willing to take my time with you, slowly, day by day because we were just that beautiful. You will cross my mind, now more than a month from now, and I will just smile and nod my head and I will feel sad because you are trapped and you do not know how to scream and break the chains fastened around your heart and just be free. If we all needed someone just to help us get up in the morning, we would all be nothing. I never needed you, but I will always want you - and whether or not you are next to me, walking along my side down the road of my life with your warm hand in mine, I will be okay. I will be okay I will be okay I will be okay.