May 11th, 2011 - 10:55pm

Wake up every morning only to wish you hadn’t and what has this life become? A series of the same events each and everyday and you still go to bed at night with nothing but your sheets to give your lonely heart the reassurance it requires every single fucking night. Two hours later and you’re turning over wishing for someone else’s breath on your neck and masturbating just doesn’t do the trick anymore. Old coffee sitting in the coffee pot and a half-eaten box of donuts on the counter; you eat around the jelly filling and he finishes it for you. Simple things trigger painful memories - words, television commercials, your empty hand. I was sitting on a bench in some park in my town I’ve never noticed before and a girl approached me and told me she wished she could eat up my sadness. I looked at her like it was the first time I have never really looked at a person before and she saw that, she saw it and she told me she hoped my depression didn’t eat me alive and at that moment I knew that no matter how long I looked at her with those eyes she would not understand. This is not depression, this is a sadness in the pit of my heart, this is something I was born with and something I will die with. This is catching the clock at 12:34, the nicotine high after your first cigarette in a couple of days, looking at someone with feelings and they only speak to you in words. This is something bigger than you me this bench and the ground beneath your tired feet. This will break you, it will fucking break you in half. Clean cut 33 stitches and no one sends you flowers one card from your grandma with a five dollar bill slipped inside and you turn over in your hospital bed and your throat is burning and you cannot breathe and you realize do not want to die anymore, you just don’t want to live.